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Wednesday, 5 March 2014
The wrong kind of dating can have the
following negative effects:
1. It leads to intimacy but not
necessarily to commitment. When couples eventually break up, they simply move
on to another similar relationship.
2. It tends to skip the friendship stage
of a relationship. Friendship can be described as two people walking side by
side toward a common goal or interest. Typically dating tends to focus on being
a couple with the goal of intimacy.
3. It often mistakes a physical
relationship for love. Sex does not equal love, yet it is often mistaken for
love. The excitement of the physical relationship is intoxicating.
4. It often isolates a couple from other
vital relationships. Many authors have noted the importance of making a lot of
friends of both sexes while young so you have a good idea of what others are
like. Often when a breakup comes, other friends have been or will be alienated,
leaving the former couple isolated and lonely at a time when they really need
friends.
5. In many cases it distracts young
adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. The most
obvious thought might be of higher education, but even developing skills and
talents can be stunted when one’s attention is focused on steady dating.
6. It can cause discontentment with God’s
gift of singleness. Some might disagree with the choice of phrasing, but the
focus is that being single means you have opportunities for growth, learning
and service that will be more difficult if not impossible when married. The
author urges people to use their time as a single to its maximum capacity.
7. It creates an artificial environment
for evaluating another person’s character. Being fun on a date doesn’t
necessarily say a lot about how a person will be as a husband or wife.
Real-life settings around family and other friends show much more of what a
person is really like.
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- Check email regularly and don’t sit on an email for longer than a few days.
- Build rapport from day one. Discussions about non-career related interests can also be incorporated into the relationship. E.g. do you have common sporting interests?
- Use more than just email as a contact method.
- Be organized – think about what you wish to achieve throughout the year and discuss expectations up front with the other party.
- Students – show commitment from the start and establish a regular contact routine. Mentors perceive that students who are quick to reply show commitment, enthusiasm, persistence, dedication and pro-activity.
- Have a reason for each email – E.g. Ask questions, probe on issues, be specific rather than general. You have to be clear on what you wish to know and what information you seek from a mentee.
- Utilize other sources beyond the mentor for student’s information and progression. Set students tasks to complete, encourage students to search for networking events for themselves. Email the student any event information, newsletter or interesting articles that you think they might be interested in.
- Mentors may have colleagues or contacts in the area that they can introduce to the students and set up a face-to-face meeting or workplace visit.
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We all need more love in our lives. The best way
to turn your sexual experiences into loving experiences is to improve your
sexual skill level. Through the mastery of skill, sex becomes lovemaking. This basic idea, that more skillful sex creates
more pleasure, which then creates more love, is important for having a
successful relationship.
Remember that every time you bring a new
skill into the bedroom it is best to practice it several times, as skills
require repetition. Everyone is clumsy the first few times. Have fun exploring
these suggestions for more pleasurable, intimate lovemaking!
The “TO DO’S” for
men
1) Do respect your desire to be sexual and create a life for
yourself and your partner that supports a good sex life.
2) Do increase your own artistic ability as a sex partner no
matter how skilled you feel you already are. Just as business must continue to
grow to be successful, so must your sexual skills. Listen well when she tells
you what she likes. Listen really well.
3) Do continue to initiate and watch her reactions carefully so
as to increase the effectiveness of your initiation.
4) Do listen to what she has to say even if it sounds like
criticism. It is food for growth. Teach her to give you suggestions in a manner
you can work with and not feel criticized by. Tell her how you need her to
communicate with you so you feel inspired and not torn apart.
5) Do allow yourself to take on the receptive role in the sex act
and thus trade responsibilities with your partner. It will help you empathize
with her and can make sex very exciting. You may be surprised with what happens
to your sex life.
6) To learn more about how to utilize sexuality to improve the
quality of your life, check out “Passion Play”: Ancient Secrets for a Lifetime
of Health and Happiness through Sensational Sex.
7) Do let her know what you appreciate about her sexuality, her
looks, her actions and her efforts in every aspect of your life together.
8) Do confront her if you feel she is avoiding sex to avoid
intimacy or vice versa.
9) Do let your partner know if you are hurting as a result of
her actions (or inactions) regarding sex. Share your pain while keeping the
blame out of it and let her nurture you.
10) Do be creative, very creative. Surprise her with something
new and different in bed as often as you dream it up. Let your daydreams be
about new sexual activities you can do together.
11) Do begin making love to her with your words and gestures
hours before you do so with your body. This way her feminine energy, YIN, will
be more aroused when the time comes.
12) Do let her know what you want sexually. If she doesn’t know
how or doesn’t feel comfortable, help her take one step at a time toward your
desired goal. Be patient, but persistent.
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We all need more love in our lives. The best way
to turn your sexual experiences into loving experiences is to improve your
sexual skill level. Through the mastery of skill, sex becomes lovemaking. This basic idea, that more skillful sex creates
more pleasure, which then creates more love, is important for having a successful
relationship.
Remember that every time you bring a new
skill into the bedroom it is best to practice it several times, as skills
require repetition. Everyone is clumsy the first few times. Have fun exploring
these suggestions for more pleasurable, intimate lovemaking!
The
“TO DO’S” for women
1) Do learn to respect your body’s sexual readiness.
If your body is not aroused enough for sexual activity, let him know. It is
even more important to let yourself know. The pace at which your body opens is
sacred and worthy of patience and respect. It may open slower than his body. If
you are ready for sex before he is, or are finished before he is, that is also
to be respected.
2) Do bear in mind that beginning the sexual act
needs to feel safe for you. Being on the receiving end initially can be
frightening. Make a point of developing a long term trust with your man so it
is easier for you to feel emotionally and sexually available when he initiates.
This is a joint project but is primarily your responsibility.
3) Do let him know when you want to make love with him even if
he is busy with other things. Just opening
that dynamic is healthy for you both. There is no greater aphrodisiac for a man
than to know that his woman wants him! Use
your Yin energy to convert his state of mind into
a sexual one. Get seductive. Be honest about your needs and empathetic about his if he honestly feels too much
work pressure to be sexual.
4) Do expect that you will need to teach him how to make sex
work well for you and enter the sexual act with that in mind. The best time to
help him become our romantic hero is when you are relaxed and alone together
though not necessarily in bed. Try a private dinner with candlelight to share
the secrets of your desires and fantasies.
5) Do allow yourself to take on the YANG (assertive and
initiating) role in the sex act, thus trading responsibilities with your man.
It will help make sex very exciting. Men love being invited into sex by a hot
blooded partner even if the roles change later on.
6) Do participate in the level of sexual expression you can
truly enjoy at any given moment while appreciating that it is your man’s job to
help you stretch into new sexual territory.
7) Do give him feedback so he knows how to give to you more effectively.
8) Do let him know what you like about his sexuality and how he
shares it with you.
9) Do confront him if he is avoiding intimacy by avoiding sex or
vice versa.
10) Do let your man fix what is bothering you about your sex
life, if he can. Men love to fix things and they are generally very honest
about loving sex. Present the problem to him in a manner that helps him feel he
can fix it. He is not the problem, a certain activity or behavior is. He can
more easily change a behavior or activity than he can change himself.
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Recognizing that our relationships are our most
gentle teachers in life is a great way to approach the work involved in staying
with them. We too often don't value and trust the huge amounts of resources
that we have invested into them and are too willing to dispose of them before
really digging into the work before us. While some relationships were a bad
idea from the day they started, the majority are actually perfectly designed to
help us grow into the best people we can be. I have been sharing these love
tips for years and consistently hear back from our friends and customers that
doing the work of love rewards them in ways they couldn't have imagined.
Remember that often the feeling of hitting the wall in love lives in us only
moments before a breakthrough that gives meaning to our promises. Make this New
Year full of love.
1. The truth is that intimacy begets intimacy.
Studies support the strong correlation between a happy relationship and the
frequency of sex. Sexual intimacy acts the glue in long-term relationships,
like pouring cement into a foundation inspiring a deep union that paves the way
for more emotional closeness and richer communication.
2. Communication issues are often at the heart of a
relationship impasse. This is because we all mistakenly believe that we can
tell someone how things are. Truly successful communication actually takes
place in listening. Listening is such a powerful form of communication that
most people cannot tell it apart from feeling loved.
3. It is easy for couples to confuse co-existing with
truly showing up for each other. They appear the same when we grow accustomed
to not allowing ourselves to need and be needed. Co-existing doesn’t have any
of the stickiness factors that showing up does because it happens out of habit,
not choice. Truly showing up translates into the safety that you bring to every
other part of your relationship.
4. You are what you love, not what loves you back.
This is a profoundly freeing recognition that allows you to experience the
depth and breadth of your capacity for love. It is a literal revolution for
your heart to open up to the most instructive emotional experience we are
capable of. Emotional intelligence develops in us with our capacity to love. No
one can take that from any of us and love teaches without the need for
reciprocity.
5. Relationships can only move forward when both
people have two feet in. You don’t ever really get to see what your
relationship can become if you or your partner keep one foot out the door. It
is an entirely different relationship when both partners are engaged and really
committed to making their promises work, one that you can’t even imagine when
you are holding the door ajar with one foot.
6. Take responsibility for your erotic
self. No one else can heal it or make it work. Begin with getting to know your
pleasure anatomy. Freud once famously commented, “The only thing about
masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.” Learning about your own
pleasure response and charting a map to your own orgasm is empowering and will
open you to couples pleasure like nothing else.
7. Your feelings should not be allowed to
define your story. Feelings are like weather systems that provide fertile
information for your life, but they are too changeable and impermanent to trust
as a compass for what you are doing in your relationships. Sometimes the most
challenging work in a relationship is the very thing needed to strengthen the
resolve in your capacity to love.
8. Your attention is the most powerful
change agent you can bring to your relationships. Consider how you attend to
the details of your financial life, or your career path- your intimate
relationships deserve at least that much of your daily attention. They will not
thrive without the consistency and patience that all growth requires.
9. Introduce the required physical
conversation into your relationship. Stop talking about it and let your body’s
wisdom lead you into a language of touch that often has the power to
communicate what is behind the words. A physical, but not necessarily sexual
conversation is the open door to a more emotionally connected relationship.
10. Your thoughts are the blueprint for
your relationship. Your partner knows what you are thinking, even when you
don’t say it. We often take ourselves and our relationships too seriously or
worse still, hold them hostage to our unspoken doubts. Try for a little levity
and lean more heavily on our innate capacity for kindness. Cultivate thoughts
that bring you closer to the relationship you envision and vigilantly weed out
the ones that don’t.
