Mutual attraction, dependable character, and emotionally stability help to make partner
In the 1990's, 90% of college
students would not consider marriage if they were not "in love." In
the 1960's, however, 33% of college men and 75% of college women would have
considered marrying someone they didn't love. Why the radical change? Probably
because college women have become much more secure and independent, more
confident they can find love with someone. That's wonderful! I wonder if it will
produce better marriages.
What specific characteristics
do we tend to look for (consciously) in a mate? Both men and women agree that
mutual attraction, dependable character, and emotionally stability are the
most important traits. However, men and women disagree about the
importance of certain other characteristics, e.g. men value good looks more
than women and women value good financial future and ambitiousness more than
men (Allgeier & Wiederman, 1991). Science doesn't yet know why the
sexes--almost universally--have these particular preferences. Why should men
want attractive women more than women want attractive men? Is it because men
are more sexually obsessed than women? Is the valuing of attractive women and
successful men simply an arbitrary, readily changeable cultural definition of
what is "good?" Could there be evolutionary socio biological forces
at work, reflecting the fact that men could spread more of their genes
(produced by the millions every day) by mating with many healthy (pretty) women
and women could propagate their very limited genes best by attracting a
strong, devoted, capable mate? Regardless of the source, today, whether we like
it or not, looking good is a major asset for women and having a promising
future increases a man's appeal.
Looks have always been
valued, but in recent decades, physical attractiveness of the partner has
become even more important to both sexes. Men may admit their interest more
openly, however. Men talk about being "leg men," "breast men,"
etc. and some women admit to being interested in "nice buns,"
"hairy legs," "broad shoulders," etc. No doubt body build
influences who we seek out as well as how we feel about our own attractiveness.
About 28% of single males consider themselves attractive; they are among the
more socially active and assertive. Only about 13% of single females consider
themselves to be pretty (Harper's, 1985). Interestingly, good looking women are
happy with their social lives, but they tend to be less socially skilled and
less assertive than other women (perhaps because very attractive people are
sometimes resented and rejected by their own sex). Nevertheless, other people
generally expect beautiful people to be poised, sociable, strong, interesting,
happy and successful, thus, scaring off the insecure. In reality, many
attractive people are shy and insecure themselves. Also, research shows that
good looks in one's youth has little to do with middle-aged happiness or
marital satisfaction (Brehm, 1985).
We are also likely to pursue
a potential lover who is similar to us, i.e. likes attract. This includes
family background, education, age, religion, personality (dominance,
nurturance, mood), attitudes (opinions, beliefs), and physical attractiveness.
Sharon Brehm suggests that we think Mr. or Ms. Right is just like us, only just
a little better! Some writers (Brothers, 1984) believe that we should seek a
mate who is, in some ways, our psychological opposite, e.g. if we are tense and
shy, we should select a secure and outgoing partner; if we are a big spender,
select a saver; if impulsive, select a careful, logical, controlled partner and
so on. Certainly one partner can sometimes compensate for the other's
weaknesses or extremes but it surely isn't always best to select our
psychological opposite. Two highly controlling people wouldn't relate well. We
need to be similar on some traits and different on others, but we don't yet
know what mix is best. Eva Klohnen, at the University of Iowa, is researching
the possibility that we are attracted to people with characteristics we like in
ourselves and to people who do not have the characteristics we dislike in
ourselves.
Finding a wonderful,
permanent partner is complex. If we think we might not be able to get and keep
our Mr. or Ms. Right, our desire increases. Thus, when parents prohibit us from
dating someone or when our lover moves away or when we fear we won't get a date
or when the person we are interested in plays "hardto- get," our
longing for the lover grows. Yet, there must be some indication that he/she
likes us; otherwise, we are likely to conclude that he/she is "stuck
up." We like people who like us but we are leery of a person who will
"go out with anyone." We are flattered if we are "the chosen
one." Yet, some women hesitate to ask men out for fear of being considered
"sexually loose." Interestingly, research has shown that women, who
are judged to be intelligent by men, are not considered "sexually
aggressive" even though the women take the initiative in asking for a date
(Meer, 1985). So, ladies don't "play dumb." Also, men often don't
pick up on hints that women are available. So, explicitly invite him to
do something with you. Naturally, he may "make a move" to see if you
are "loose." You can say "no" whenever you want.
No comments: