Myths about marriage
Earlier we
mentioned some common beliefs about love. There are similar beliefs about
marriage, some true and some false. Learning, how to cope involves unlearning
popular misconceptions as well as learning the truth. We certainly have many misconceptions
about marriage to unlearn (Lazarus, 1985; Glick & Kessler, 1974; Lederer
& Jackson, 1968). We, unfortunately, make important decisions on the basis
of these misleading beliefs. Examples: People marry because they are
passionately "in love." Married people "love" (again,
meaning wild ecstatic passion) each other. Maintaining romantic love is the key
to marital happiness. Marriages should be totally happy and most of life's
satisfactions should come from the partner. Men and women are very different
emotionally. Opposites always attract. Marriage will cure loneliness. Family
"togetherness" is crucial. Partners must be totally honest and tell
all. Marriage requires total trust. Good marriage partners agree on every issue
and never fight. Incompatible couples can't have a successful marriage.
Volatile marriages never last, quiet unions last.
Good sex
means a good marriage. An affair means there are problems in the marriage. An
affair will destroy a marriage. A good partner never thinks of him/herself. The
husband's work is more important than the wife's career. Husbands are happier
when their wives are homemakers. Competition between spouses adds zest.
In an
argument someone has to be wrong and it is important to know who. Most
marriages can't survive a period of hate. In a good marriage, sex will take
care of itself. Married people understand each other without talking. Good
marriages simply happen ("are made in heaven") and don't require
attention or work. A lover can be made over to your liking after the marriage.
In a secure, devoted marriage, things do not change. Everyone knows what makes
for a good wife and a good husband. Having children will improve and stabilize
a marriage. Today's "normal" family is happy and doesn't have any real
problems. Even a poor marriage should be held together for the children's sake.
After the "high" of the first few months, marriage is all work and
disagreements. Once gone, love can't be rekindled. You must feel positive
towards your spouse before you can change your behavior towards him/her. If a
marriage is not working out, an affair will help. Getting a divorce and finding
another partner will solve most of the problems.
All of these
"beliefs" are wrong to some extent; yet, there may be some truth in
them. We misunderstand so much about love and marriage; it's not surprising
that we aren't very good at loving, yet. But even though our ignorance leads to
upsetting disagreements with our partner, the love is so thrilling and the
companionship so satisfying that romantic relationships are a vital part of our
lives. We should learn all we can about loving and insist that research tell us
more of what we need to know to have a good love life.
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